Best-Laid Plans

Honestly, I don’t know how I would get through my life without my faith in God. You know how some people say “everything happens for a reason”? That is a belief that Christians share: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Rom 8:28 NIV). That’s the belief that has gotten me through this year so far.

It’s been really rough, waiting well over a year to feel healthier, well over a year to get a full-time job, to move out of my parents’ house–with neither health, job, nor independent living space in the immediate future. I have no idea why none of these things are working out for me right now.

I made an appointment in DECEMBER to see an endocrinologist about my thyroid issues and my ever-present fatigue. I have waited three months for this appointment, which was scheduled for tomorrow. Finally, I thought: some answers. An explanation for why I feel so terrible, a possible solution to the issue, and then–I can move on. Maybe then, when I’m feeling better, God will let me have a full-time job. Maybe, after blocking all my attempts to get one for fifteen months, he’ll let just one interview slip through for me. And then, fifteen minutes ago, I get a call that the endocrinologist will be out of the office tomorrow and the appointment has to be rescheduled to next week.

It seems like a little thing, but after a wait of three months–or a wait of fifteen months, depending on how you look at it–a wait of one week seems like agony. I’m upset, I’m angry, I want to burst into tears.

But because of my faith, the Holy Spirit reminds me that, for some reason I can’t currently understand, this has to happen. It maybe has to happen for the doctor’s sake, or for someone else’s sake–but it also has to happen for my sake. I don’t know why. I will probably never know why. But that has to be okay. I’m allowed to be upset: but knowing that there’s a reason makes me less upset.

Oh, yet we trust that somehow good
      Will be the final goal of ill,
      To pangs of nature, sins of will,
Defects of doubt, and taints of blood;

That nothing walks with aimless feet;
      That not one life shall be destroy’d,
      Or cast as rubbish to the void,
When God hath made the pile complete;

That not a worm is cloven in vain;
      That not a moth with vain desire
      Is shrivell’d in a fruitless fire,
Or but subserves another’s gain.

Behold, we know not anything;
      I can but trust that good shall fall
      At last — far off — at last, to all,
And every winter change to spring. . . 

–Alfred, Lord Tennyson


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