Rambling post on depression

So this is not my usual kind of blog post. You have been warned.


Being depressed sucks.

No, like, I know you know this. It’s just that it sucks in ways you don’t really think about.

For instance, one of the things Helpful People are always telling you is that your feelings are valid. And it IS important to know that. The problem is that when you’re depressed, your feelings might be valid, but they are based on an inherently skewed perspective that is sometimes super far from the truth.

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This Is Just to Say II

Additional Signs and Portents re: not looking for jobs: This year I’ve been reading Streams in the Desert as my devotional (an excellent resource for anybody going through a hard time).  Here’s what the entry yesterday said:

I once thought that after I prayed that it was my duty to do everything that I could do to bring the answer to pass. He taught me a better way, and showed that my self-effort always hindered His working, and that when I prayed and definitely believed Him for anything, He wanted me to wait in the spirit of praise, and only do what He bade me. It seems so unsafe to just sit still, and do nothing but trust the Lord; and the temptation to take the battle into our own hands is often tremendous.

We all know how impossible it is to rescue a drowning man who tries to help his rescuer, and it is equally impossible for the Lord to fight our battles for us when we insist upon trying to fight them ourselves. It is not that He will not, but He cannot. Our interference hinders His working.— C. H. P.

And if that wasn’t enough, the sermon today was on God testing us, and the scripture was Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac. The pastor pointed out that God loved Abraham, told him he would bless him with many descendants, and directed him according to a plan. AND THEN he tells Abraham to undo it all by sacrificing Isaac. It looked like it was all going to be for nothing. Well, God led me to my major, led me to grad school, led me to the decision not to pursue the job that obviously went with that education… and now it looks like it’s all for nothing, because I’ve had such trouble getting a job. But I have to trust that it ISN’T all for nothing and that even this is a part of God’s plan. I have applied for SO MANY JOBS that I am clearly qualified for, I’ve got to think at this point that the only reason I didn’t get any of them was that God was making sure I DIDN’T, because he’s got something else planned for me. Maybe it’s this summer youth pastor gig. Maybe it’s something else. I don’t know–but I know he’s got a plan, and that “All things work together for the good of those who love God, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Plus, not applying for jobs has brought me SO MUCH contentment, rest, and peace of mind…

This is just to say…

You know how I decided on Sunday to stop looking for jobs and God would send me one when he wanted me to have one? Well, it’s Wednesday, and a friend contacted me to say that she knew people who were hiring writing/illustrating tutors for the summer and should she give them my info. Don’t know if I’ll actually want the job, since the hours might interfere with my part-time hours working for the church, but if nothing else, I feel like it’s definitely God saying, “I’ve got your back on this! You made the right choice!”

Faith or Foolishness?

I’ve been thinking a lot about job applications lately. I mean, I’ve been without a full-time job for a year and a half, so this is pretty natural. I applied for approximately 35 jobs in 2016; so far in 2017 I’ve applied for 32. And I haven’t gotten an interview for a single full-time position.

On May 4th, our pastor contacted me out of the blue and asked if I would be the church’s summer youth pastor–a part-time summer job. Continue reading

The Thyroid Saga Continues!

So, children, when we left off last time,  I had been to an endocrinologist with a DREADFUL bedside manner, been told that everything was in my head, been given a buttload of tests, and all of them had come back negative. Following the endocrinologist’s fervent assertion that there was no way I was hypothyroid, I determined that the reason the thyroid meds were helping was because T3 has been shown to augment antidepressants.


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Youth Activities and Gender

I recently accepted a job as my church’s summer youth pastor. I was surprised by the suggestion at first, but then realized that I’ve done a lot of teaching of teenagers in my career, and I’m a pretty knowledgeable layperson, so it actually makes sense. My only misgiving was with my health and related issues: I knew that being a youth pastor could be physically grueling and involve a lot of activities I don’t particularly enjoy, so I thought some of the job might be tough. And then I had some interesting conversations this morning with one of the women who works with the youth group.

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